by Petra Heidl
It has been exactly 30 years now and the weather is also cold but not windy, still and peaceful. I remember the day as if it were yesterday… the feelings….the fear….the recognition….the realization. How small-minded I was, we all were, back then, in 1956. It was a day in winter, how it was almost every day in that month in winter: freezing cold, grey, with a sharp wind coming directly from every direction and creeping perfectly through every single layer of your clothes. But I didn´t think about the weather; I just thought about this contract, this ominous overwhelmingly important contract. When I remember back to that day, chills creep along my back.
I thought about how Thomas would react. Like my father predicted? That he would be ok, learn the rules and accept them? Later that night, when we came back from the Zumpens; I let him by himself – thinking this had to be that way. My parents both told me to leave him alone to think it all over, and I never questioned it.
Maybe I should have doubted their advice? Like Thomas doubted the business at first? What would have happened if I had gone to him and talked to him like a partner, a friend? If I had supported him that night when he was trapped in his thoughts surrounding his business, would our marriage and partnership have been more successful? I guess so! After this experience with the Zumpens and also me he turned slowly in a direction I would have never thought of. Yes, I was cold and calculating, but just in a reasonable way – nobody had really gotten hurt! And I meant it for his own good. I would have never harmed him, if only I had… As a business person you should not get too greedy, never! This will definitely be your end then. Well, it was Thomas´ end in some way and also the end of our marriage.
After a few years in a good working partnership he changed more and more. He started to drink and a he always had “business” appointments in the evenings; I knew what kind of “business” it was. Women, women who were so different from me, women you can find in the yellow press, each month with another man in their arms… I knew that this was our end but what should I have done? My parents died in an accident in Spain and I had no siblings. I was afraid of what could happen to me without Thomas.
Why had he never asked for a divorce, you may ask? Well, I think in a way he felt thankful, because he knew I was the one he owed his career to and was responsible for all the money he could earn through me and my family. My parents said that marriage is always a compromise and that it should never end in divorce. In that time it was not very respectable to get divorced, at least for the wife. And I didn´t want to give up my lifestyle at all. So I let him continue with his womanizing.
I would assume I had paid my guilt, it had been my penalty for not being him the wife I should have been that special fateful night. How sad…! You can never turn back the clock, never; one should always think of it and never forget!
After Thomas got ill two years ago with liver cancer I was able to pay him back my guilt and could be the partner I could have never been for him back in our early marriage. I stood with him all the time to his end three months ago. I sold everything then and because we never had children (what I really missed) I donated most of it to a charity foundation for orphans.
I feel ok now, not happy but I will begin a new life now and help young women who want to start their own business. I support them making business plans and organizing their financial affairs. But I will not show them the business practices I learned and we used back in our time. I had to write this for me, just for me, because I actually have nobody in my family left who cares for me. But I feel better now, writing all my experiences and thoughts, like I did in my diary many years before. So I just decided to write a diary again about my new life because a new era begins with lots of opportunities and changes in my life. I feel great now after writing, full of enthusiasm. I had to make peace with me and my past at this time.
I will move to Berlin and am going to buy a very nice 2-room apartment just for me. I am looking forward to it and hoping my new job will give me fullest satisfaction. And I will keep in mind that silence is an argument which is almost never to disprove. (Quotation of Heinrich Böll)
by Ivete dos Santos
“Then, without knowing why, I put my finger into my throat and spewed up the dates I’d eaten.” This whole story comes to me as if I were seeing a movie. I can remember details from that time. However, it has remained in my subconscious up to now. Why does it come to me just at this moment? Here is my grandfather, and I have to say something about him. Everyone expects it from me. I was his favorite grandson, although ever since that episode I have seen him in a different way: he was no more my hero, my idol, my safe port. I have lost my innocence and I could never believe in a hero anymore. He had been the last one for me. Definitely, it was the saddest time and a milestone in my life. I learned at a very young age what it means to be an adult: a synonymous with hypocrisy. I was interrupted from my thoughts by the Sheikh, “Son, I know it is a very difficult moment for you, but we are waiting for your speech.” Like an innocent child discovered in a bad behavior, I felt my face blushed.
Standing up in front of his coffin , looking towards those people, I felt I was an adult myself and I could not escape from human nature. Therefore, after deep breathing, I said these words:
“I owe what I am as a person to this man! He taught me the real meaning of respect, justice, love and mercy. Had I lived my childhood far from him, I would not have learned these lessons so quickly at such a young age. He built his life according to his beliefs and he followed them coherently. He was responsible for my desire to study abroad. He was very proud of me, because it had been his will when he was a teenager, but at that time, he had no money for that. He worked hard to reach his goals and we can say he was a winner. I am sure he was a successful man, for his dreams came true. I pray for Allah to help him rest in peace!”
After the funeral, I was looking forward to leaving this land, but I had to wait until after the period of mourning. “The mosque, the river and the fields – these were the landmarks in our life”. Watching these fields now, I knew they had lost their magic, their power over me. I could not avoid the nostalgia, for I had been so happy here. How I miss those innocent times! While I was thinking about that , a man who seemed familiar to me approached and told me that someone was waiting for me in my grandfather’s library. On our way to the library, I asked him who he was, and I was shocked to hear he was one of Masood’s grandsons, who was the manager of my grandfather’s farm now.
Having no time to learn the details, because we had already arrived in the library, where some of my relatives and a lawyer were waiting for me, I asked to myself what had happened that brought this man to work in my grandfather’s farm… “ it is time to read the will!” announced the lawyer. For me, his beloved grandson, he left the remaining third part of Masood’s land, which my grandfather had bought only a month before Masood’s death. Not only did he take the heart of the palm, but he took the heart of poor Masood as well!
Even though I thought I had spewed up all the dates I’d eaten, now I feel that one still remains bitterly, hurting my throat, producing a poisoning taste, and unless I get it out, it will kill me. Then, calling the attorney and Masood’s grandson in a private conversation, I gave back his grandfather’s heart or, at least, the third part of it .Immediately, feeling like a bird that just get its freedom, I began to recite the Chapter of the Merciful, involved by the same happiness that I used to feel before becoming conscious of the reality of my last hero!
In The Market
By Yumi Lee
I don’t know how old I was. My guess is that I was about three. Even though I cannot remember exactly with whom I went there, I know what happened at that time. One fine day, my dad had to go to Seoul on official business; so, I went there with him without mom. At that time Seoul was where my grandparents lived. Even though I was a child, I loved hanging out the same as now. To my surprise, I began to toddle since eight months. It seemed I was a gifted child. Anyway we went by air quickly.
The day after we arrived at their home, dad went to work. As he couldn't take me to work with him, he left me in my grandparents’ care. I really didn't recall the feeling just then. The ones left, who were me and my grandparents, had nothing to do at home. My grandfather and I were ready for hanging out. He was proud of me as his first grandchild. He wanted to show me his purpose, which was the day’s work, which was to show me to a relative, in brief, my father's paternal aunt.
It was a lovely day. The sun shone brightly. It was good to play away our time. I thought that the weather made me feel a breath of spring. He had decided to stop in a market on the way before we went to the relative’s home. Then on our way, we dropped by Yeongdeong-po traditional market to buy something for a present. I thought he grasped my hand hard. While he came and went to fruit stores and a grocery shop, I took a stroll from place to place of my own accord. I felt as if I were on another planet. After a few hours had passed, he realized that I was missing. Therefore, he looked all over the market for me. Finally he found me after hours of absence.
Trying to trace back in memory, at the moment I didn't care a bit. I just walked on to look around the market. I had never even thought that I was missing just then. Moreover I was too young to feel what fear is. In the market, there are many people and variety of things which are magnetic. Actually this kind of place held me spell-bound that I had never felt before and did appeal to me. While he was tracking down me, I was just a little way from him. He felt very embarrassed for a little while, but the finish was good. Although I hadn't said anything to him, I should have been very sorry. Since that time, he didn't go out with me. I think he was afraid that something might happen unexpectedly. I am truly thankful about how my grandfather took care of me. I heard it in detail later from my dad. According to his saying, he didn’t know until he came home from work. My mom was the same.
In comparison with the grandfather of the protagonist in “A Handful of Dates” by Tayeb Salih, first of all, my experience is much warmer than his. My grandfather has a clean bright personality. Secondly, he didn't make me feel that I had been betrayed by him. I believe that he led an honest life even if he failed in his undertaking. Whenever I think about that event, I remember his beloved image. I indeed miss him.
Sick Life
By Andrea Rangel
First Sergeant Riley was from Aracataca, a little town full of plantain trees. His parents had always worked hard to give him more opportunities in life. They knew life is hard for those that are not wealthy enough to pay for it but that knowledge can lead anybody to success. His parents wanted him to go to college just as his sister had. However, his only dream was to live in a more peaceful country. He had seen the example of his uncle John being a general in the Colombian army. He joined the army to fight for his country.
He was always dedicated, determined, and passionate. He was the best soldier the army had had in a long time. After five years he was named First Sergeant. His only goals were to help people around him, get a safer country, and get a better life for everybody around him. His troop was showing very impressive results; for example, they had cleared one of the most dangerous zones in the country (Magdalena) in just two months. As he had successfully accomplished his mission the government sent him to the most dangerous zone (Los Llanos) with his troop, where he was expected to eradicate a group called the M-17 in a month.
They had located the zones where the M-17 were training and they had sent a troop with 15 experienced soldiers with Corporal Barnes as the leader to fight them. Two weeks passed and he hadn’t received news from the troop. One afternoon he was analyzing the locations when the soldiers started screaming in the yard- he is dead! He went out to see what was going on and to his surprise one of the soldiers from the first troop had just arrived with a letter in his hand.
First Sergeant Riley,
We tried to fight them but they were too many. We have never seen an army as sadistic as this one. They had tortured most of my men before killing them. Please do not send any more soldiers to fight them. They are around 300 crazy men. If you are to eradicate them you will need more than 20 soldiers to do it. Go back to the capital before they get to you or another of us. We discovered they have a plan to bombard our battalion and kill all of the soldiers there. Please tell my wife that I love her and that the only purpose of me doing this was to get more opportunities for our family.
Corporal Barnes.
After seeing the note and the dead body First Sergeant Riley tried to call the capital to ask for more soldiers to come to reinforce them. However, he couldn’t communicate. He decided to send everybody back home. The same day that Corporal Barnes had brought the letter they left the battalion. Everybody was happy to finally be able to see their families. Nevertheless, First sergeant Riley was worried about the fate of the 14 soldiers. He went to the capital instead of his home and he went to talk to the general. He told him the story and how they had to leave before somebody got killed. By the end of the day the only thing he had heard was, “You are a deserter and you have made your troop be one too.”
He was sent back to El Batallon Patria, which is the most important one in Colombia, where he was sent to jail for a year. He had to take care of the kitchen, couldn’t have any visitors, had to clean the bathrooms, wasn’t able to exercise, had to work in the plantations for more than seven hours a day, wasn’t able to go out, and couldn’t talk to his family. The only thing he regretted was not to have died in the war.